uphill, downhill?
I’d forgotten my resolution to ‘make my love show’ of previous posts. I’m not being honest about how in love I am with K, for fear of not having the upper hand. This has not been encouraged by his unpredictabilty- leaving on long journeys without telling me, failing to reply to messages, sometimes doesn’t take my allbeit hesitant and sparse calls, and not sharing very much about his life.
I should learn by now though, after a somewhat painful 7 months ‘together’ on and off, that he’s part of my life and wants to keep it that way. Two nights ago he said something echoing his old half-joke
‘Im the best thing that’s ever happened to you’ and I responded as before
‘that may be so but are you actually in my life?’ to which he said
‘To whatever extent that may be, I am’.
I just need more routine proof. When he does see me, he tells me I’m beautiful almost every time without fail, and he makes me feel beautiful. He tells me I’m smart. But there are times when he doesn’t like me touching him…we never go on trips together, he leaves me in the dark so to speak. There just isn’t enough consistency.
Yet we keep clinging on and showing our love warily, shyly, though intermitently.
Can I put a stop to our seeing other people???
I want to start afresh, now we’ve proved ourselves as able to survive on “the market” (-we don’t ‘need’ eachother) in honesty and commitment.
I shouldn’t be afraid to let him know I’m hurt…in pain.
mutedtrumpet 