Doubtless, the fact I don’t have a place of my own has led me to sometimes rely on others, and in turn, relying on others has led me to have to be influenced by people I otherwise wouldn’t.
I could afford to be more selective about the company I keep if I could afford it.
Being exposed to the influence of people that I like in small doses, but by no means wish to share all that I have, has led to the feeling of dissonance through not being understood. This is a feeling which no one appreciates, but which particularly mars me, affects me particularly badly.
And why? Because that person is hosting me and I helping them out in some small way; so that a co-dependency develops; not emotional on my part, but perhaps a little on theirs. This sensitivity to myself which I cultivate in my host, due to being pretty nice and well behaved to him/her, also creates a type of issue for them in a way, because when I leave their home, they find I no longer wish to be in very close contact. They are kind, generous people, but not compatible with me to a large extent.
The positive element is that I am forced to be social, get used to having people around, doing things in a communal way, which I like. (It is a unique chance in life to see the extent of others’ goodness). But not to the extent that I am at the mercy of other peoples’ choices and actions all the time. Especially when I’m exposed to a secondary influence which is even more deleterious- the friends of my friends. These people can be extremely noxious to me- the only reason I meet them is due to my host- and yet I am exposed to them.
So I am tossed around like a duckling in sea waves, not able to limit or chose how far I am exposed to people I don’t altogether approve of, or like all the time in every aspect. I can get angry (ruminating about idiotic comments they’ve made), upset (desperation at my situation), frustrated (short tempered), anxious (jaw clenching at night, insomnia) and somewhat depressed (pessimistic thoughts).
This contributes to my being a ‘muted trumpet’, not able to define my life, and not reaching my potential due to this.