doors opening and closing; paths
It seems that every decision I take is a commitment, no only to the specific scenario, but to a region, a country, a lifestyle, and will close doors to other experiences- I have to say goodbye to a number of alternative possibilities.
This s true for everyone, everywhere, only bei mir (with me) all the alternative decisions are soo disparate.
E.g. 1 – One job means South of the island, goodbye to music rehearsals, and to friends, hello to a certain type of relationship.
– The decison to another job means distance from everything I know.
– Another job means being close to music rehearsals, in a place I’m familiar with, but closes the door to a relationship, albeit stormy but natural and stimulating.
Putting this in writing is tantamount to an epiphany; Ive known it all along, just never taken responsibility for it.
Just being where I am now closes the door on living close to friends Ive known 10 years and my sister; The excitement of heading somewhere on the Tube. which is also hard…
However, not committing to one thing is signing an agreement to torture and irritation, unsettled state. Ive been offered it all (separately) and so want it all (together).
E.g. 2
– Investing in one potential relationship means feeling cocooned in love, but instability, isolated from civilisation and intellectual pursuits but open to nature and its endless riches. People will see me as gracious for being with an uneducated but strong person.
-Investing in another potential relationship means being understood, sharing many interests and the passion of musical expression, people will look upon us in admiration and will kamaronoun – opportunities for an ordered and stable life will exist. I will not be cocooned in love because of the autonomy of each partner, but will be able to focus on self-fruition (self, writing, developing *music skills *, finding a niche job-wise).
Stability has been lacking in my life – the benefits of stability are being able to be at ease, and so build on strengths, existing projects and absoloutely everything. It means being able to say goodbye to over-dramatic situations and be calm. To look to the future and stop collecting a spectrum of …shards of identities.
I have had the privilege of gleaming meaning from everywhere and everyone- disparate classes, lifestyles, and music tastes, from provincial to urban environments, from rich to poor, educated in the academy and cultivated minds, and those educated on the streets.
I am already rich.
mutedtrumpet 